So I know I have been extremely out of the loop lately with everything and everyone. Anyone in or that knows someone in law enforcement/ criminal justice knows silence is golden. I felt restricted from being who I am and hiding “Elissa Alva.”
Well, things have changed…for the better.
I believe I was experiencing what I truly felt like a quarter life crisis for most of this year. Applying for crime analyst positions department after department, I became discouraged. Not only was there multiple interview rounds and processes… the position as a crime analyst is nearly rare.
In any case, scared to face my family and even myself in the mirror when I had to break the bad news of not getting the positions. It was the most intense heartache I have ever felt. Disappointed in myself, borderline hating myself for not being what a law enforcement agency wanted me to be. Upset with myself for not listening to the people who encouraged me to lie during interview processes. Never to admit the wrongs I had done in my past. But how is that fair? It is not fair to them nor is it fair to myself. For some crazy reason, I have this issue with firmly believing in deontology ( Binded by a personal moral obligation- in my case, honesty) so when it came to the nitty gritty questions…I gave them what they wanted, the truth.
Unfortunately, the past cannot be erased & I accept the consequences.
Please do keep in mind I have never been arrested if that is where your mind is wandering off to, haha.
It took a long time to accept things for what they are.
It did help knowing that I have a son and a fiance who had to remind me that there was life and a reason to live at the end of the day. Also, knowing that the police department I was interning for appreciated me, not only for my skills but also for the person that I am. They welcomed me and allowed me to excel within their department. I never would have imagined a family like relationship to stem from such a strict environment. After dedicating months into that police department, I walked away in September with a heavy heart. I miss them all so much!!
I can only hope they are not upset that I put a halt on my career in criminal justice for beauty school, but I think they understand and can agree in the long run I will be most satisfied with this new career path.